Good evening, I’m Brandon May. My alter ego, The Dude, recently sat down with Bruce Bowen for a completely fake interview to discuss everything from last season’s championship run to the proper way to ruin another player’s career. Here’s how it went.
Dude: Hello, Bruce.
Bruce: Hello, Dude.
Dude: First question. Why are you such an assclown?
Bruce: I should undercut you while you’re jump shooting just for asking that.
Dude: That pretty much answers my first question. Thank you. Why all the dirty tactics?
Bruce: I don’t know about dirty. That makes me sound like I don’t bathe.
Dude: Do you?
Bruce: No. But that’s beside the point. I like to call what I do “crafty”.
Dude: Okay, why all the “crafty” tactics, such as undercutting jump shooters, kneeing players in the giggleberries, kicking players in the face, etc? You do realize that you could ruin a guy’s career doing that, don’t you?
Bruce: Screw other guy’s careers. I gotta worry about my career. I do 2 things well on the court: hitting the 3 ball from the corner and being “crafty”. I can’t make free throws, I can’t hit a mid-range jumper, hell, I can’t even dribble. If don’t get “crafty” on the court, Pops is sending my ass back to the Euro leagues. Take my teammate Tim Duncan for example. He can do 238 things well on the court. I know. I’ve counted. I can’t compete with that unless I get a little “crafty”.
Dude: You mentioned that Duncan does 238 things well on the court. What are your favorites of those 238 things?
Bruce: Looking bored. I swear, he could hit a game-winning jumper, off the backboard of course, and he still looks like he just sat through a French documentary about marionette puppets. Oh, and looking innocently surprised. That face he makes when he’s called for a foul. A ref calls him for offensive 3 seconds, and he gets that look on his mug like, “How was I supposed to know you can’t bathe puppies in the dishwasher?” Brilliant, brilliant stuff.
Dude: Were you in Tony Parker’s wedding this summer?
Bruce: Yes, I was involved.
Dude: Were you a groomsman?
Bruce: No. Security. Any paparazzi punks get near the chapel, it’s Go Time. That was my motto. I didn’t actually get to attend the wedding. They were afraid of what I might do to the patrons if I got on the dance floor, what with it being hardwood and all. I just can’t switch off on the hardwood. Gotta stay “crafty”.
Dude: You stink.
Bruce: Well, that’s just your opinion, Dude.
Dude: No, seriously, you stink. Do you want to borrow, like, some of my Axe body spray or something?
Bruce: No, I’m cool.
Dude: Now, you get away with a lot of your “crafty” tactics on the court. So much so, that some have suggested that you could get away with murder. Have you ever thought about that?
Bruce: Thought about what?
Dude: Trying to actually get away with murder.
Bruce: It’s crossed my mind. I don’t think I would start off full steam, though. I might dabble in it a bit to see if the theory is true, you know? Start with someone insignificant, like a drifter or a crack whore or maybe Stephon Marbury. If that blows over, maybe I go on to bigger fish.
Dude: So how does it feel to be a champion? Excuse me, that didn’t come out right. How does it feel to be on a championship team?
Bruce: I assume you are implying that I, personally, am not a champion.
Dude: Damn skippy.
Bruce: Every championship team has role players. Now, most of those role players are far more talented than me, but that’s what I do. I fill a need for a team. This team is well coached, well managed, and has quite possibly the best player in the league. But we have a lot of foreigners. They tend to be afraid to mix it up a bit. I mean, have you watched Manu Ginobili? You breathe on him, and the guy is flailing into the 5th row. My job is to mix it up. In my defense, and if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s defense, I bust my ass and use whatever means necessary (especially when the refs aren’t looking) to get an edge, help my team win, and keep my ass in the NBA.
Dude: Wow. When you put it like that, I almost feel proud of you.
Bruce: Thanks, Dude. Really?
Dude: No. You’re still an assclown. I’m just happy you haven’t assaulted me.
Bruce: Interview ain’t over yet.
Dude: It is now.
(Dude runs from interview site, which occurred in a van down by the river.)
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Wow, Dude. Great interview. Very professional. Join us next time when The Dude goes one on one in an absolutely fake interview with none other than Nets point guard Jason Kidd. That’s it for now. I’m Brandon May, and Go Mavs!
“I mean, have you watched Manu Ginobili? You breathe on him, and the guy is flailing into the 5th row.”
Somehow in the Bruce Bowen interview the shot at Manu was the funniest.
Nice one.
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I sometimes think Manu studied at the Vlade Divac School of Flopping.
Nicely done. Assclown is right.
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Hilarious. I wish I had thought of this but I’m sure it wouldn’t have been as funny. I’d like to know if Jason Kidd thought that he Mashburn and Jim Jackson would’ve been as good if they didn’t get into each other’s girlfriends.
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I still contend that if the 3 J’s had stayed together, and the Mavs had used all that extra cap space they had coming to them to sign Dikembe Mutumbo, they would have quickly risen to the top of the Western Conference in the mid 90’s. Damn you, Toni Braxton, with your ample busoms and long, silky legs!
Maybe Manu just doesn’t like BAD breath!!
The top of the Western Conference? Wasn’t that Hakeem Olajuwon/Clyde Drexler Rockets space?
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I just meant upper echelon, with the Rockets, Spurs and Lakers. The mid 90’s were the Eastern Conference’s power years. Kind of like it doesn’t take much for an Eastern Conference team to make a big jump with just a few small moves to become a power in these years, I don’t think it would have taken much for the Mavs to have made a similar jump back then.
But no, I don’t think they would have been better than the Rockets back then.
Was it Toni braxton? Damn her.
I don’t know if those 3 would’ve been great but Kidd definitely would’ve made it entertaining. I only remember Jim Jackson holding out for tons of money and since then he’s been a journeyman. Mash had trouble staying healthy and had not realized his potential until coming to Miami and eventually to Charlotte. Oh, and he disappeared in the 4th quarter too.
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“Rumor” has it that it was Toni Braxton that caused the rift between Kidd and Jackson.
I don’t know whether or not the 3 J’s would have been phenomenal or not, so to me that’s the sad part. We never got to find out. I just remember how excited I was that we had something in place with so much promise after suffering through 2 years where we won a combined 24 out of 164 games.
Mash and Jackson both put up 50 point games back then, and Kidd was already a triple double machine. I was actually at the very first game Kidd ever posted a triple double. It was an exciting time, but it all fell apart far too quickly. The only good news about that collapse was it was the precursor for getting the trades for Michael Finley, Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki which finally got the team back on track.
I actually met Mash a couple times and the general opinion of him is that he’s aloof. Finley, Nash and Dirk is a far better trio than the 3 Js.
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I met Mash once as well when he was a rookie. I kept trying not to stare at his teeth. He had a jacked up grill, and I couldn’t help but wonder how a newly annointed millionaire wouldn’t bother getting braces. Josh Howard did it, but then Howard probably has a better head on his shoulders. Mash was a nice guy, but you’re right. He’s not the brightest bulb. How he got a gig at ESPN, I will never understand.
Yeah, Mash has some torn up choppers…
I haven’t seen Mash on ESPN but I heard he’s not all that bad. I don’t know.
Good luck with Eddie Jones.
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Don’t even get me started on the Eddie Jones signing.
I am unfortunately all too familiar with Eddie Jones. He’s a veteran who is a decent if not solid defender. This feels more like a move to counter the T-Macs, Kobes, Ginobilis of the West. Unfortunately his man accessories shrink as the game gets tighter and tighter.
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The Mavs supposedly addressed that need to defend the T-Macs, Kobes, Ginobilis of the West by signing Devean George and Greg Buckner last season. That didn’t work, and they are younger and more defensive minded. I’m not quite sure how an older, slower matador is going to change anything.
Hahaha matador. I prefer to call him a turnstile. It’s one more person to throw at them I guess.
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This is gold, man. Great stuff. I’m going to talk about it on the next Spurscast.